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Be There
The first mile of my run is always the hardest. Before I find my rhythm, before my mind clears. Painful, labored, difficult. But soon I’m just running. I am aware of my surroundings- I hear the...
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Gone But Not Gone
“You may think that when you die, you disappear, you no longer exist. But even though you vanish, something which is existent cannot be non-existent. That is the magic.” Shunryu Suzuki My mother does...
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Affliction
I have only hazy memories of my paternal grandfather. Grey hair, angular face. A serious man. He sent his son to a military boarding school- to toughen the boy up, I imagine. I have vivid memories...
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A Hard Peace
I often refer to “peace.” I say that peace is “always there.” Sounds good and works so seamlessly when life’s ordinary ups and downs knock you sideways. Stuck in traffic and late for an appointment?...
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Unsteady
I sometimes feel like a fraud in this work. Peace, strength, presence. Who am I to speak of such things? These past few days have been like that. I’m going through a period of what I call feeing...
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Not Done
I have been away. Not in the ordinary sense. Away as in disconnected from my sense of self. Lost. Last night was the worst. I awoke in the dark with a rock sure sense of my unworthiness. This...
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Not Stepping Away
Away, away, away. When I felt the closeness growing, I pulled away from her. When the big book opportunity came, I slowly drifted off. When this work- right here- began to feel big and meaningful, I...
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The Weight
Sitting on the back porch, feeling the warm sun filtered through the pines. I am a stroll away from that great source of peace, the ocean. My precious dog, Sammie, is dozing at my feet. I know I’m...
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A Year of Living
This year. A year of putting aside the pointless pursuit of the targets of my ambition. Giving up the enticing numbness of repression and drift. Not stepping away when it feels too real. Shutting...
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When the Storms Come
The storms have come. The waters rise in the wetlands surrounding my home here- dark pools amidst the tall pines. The drenching rain, cascading off the metal roof, creates waterfalls just outside the...
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Breaking the Trance
If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked. Tao te Ching I have spent myself in the pursuit of perfection. Trying to think my way...
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Bad History
I have often disappeared from this writing, only to resurface a week, or even a month, later with a story about my unsteadiness, or my trance-like existence, my failure to live the truths I know. I...
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The First Stone
The Master sees things as they are, without trying to control them. She lets them go their own way, and resides at the center of the circle. Tao te Ching I spent much of my life in rage at the...
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The Posture of Pain
As I recall and ponder the dark moments in my life, I can see that although each one was uniquely poisonous, one thing ran through them, one constant tying them all together. In each such moment,...
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Words
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. Samuel Beckett Some writing comes easy, especially the exposition of the critical- the writing that comes from the head. But...
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Tepid Tea
Sipping tea at the table, Safe here, warm too. Stormy damp out there, Something in those black shadows. My homeful existence. God is great, good too. Take a peek, he says, Gulp the tea, slide the...
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Enemies
Like clattering little children, Seeking my attention. Picking pockets, Grab and take. My so-called enemies. Whining hovering bugs, Endlessly tagging along. Remember- don’t care what they...
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Order
Precision, the right way. A slip and it’s ruined. Why can’t they see? Whistling water, only for the warming, never for the steeping. Line them up. Kettle, pot, cup. Each thing to its function born. An...
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Where Was I?
Perhaps it was the busy, busy schedule of tasks, spooling off into infinity. But no, that wasn’t it. Perhaps it was the way that the turbulence of my mind kept spinning yarns of my own unworthiness....
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